


your heart is still safe with me

by alicejericho



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: 2012-2013 NHL Lockout, M/M, Magical Realism, Travelling Hearts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 22:56:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20590487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicejericho/pseuds/alicejericho
Summary: The room has been quiet and empty for what feels like hours, but it’s probably been twenty minutes when Sid sits down in his stall. The lockout is all that’s been going through his head for weeks but that doesn’t stop the thoughts from flowing whenever there’s nothing else going on.In his hand beats his own heart, radiating sadness.





	your heart is still safe with me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kalika_999](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalika_999/gifts).

> I cannot thank Rachel & EJ enough for proof-reading this and helping me out! Any mistakes left are most certainly because I was wrong to not listen to them.
> 
> This is for Kali, who won my auction in Hockey Trumps Hate - set up by [ on Tumblr. I helped run it and we hope to do it again next year so please drop us a note if you are interested or have any questions!](https://hockeynetwork.tumblr.com)

The lockout isn’t a surprise. It doesn’t make it any easier for Sid to collect his gear from the Iceoplex in mid-September when he should be settling in for training camp.

He stays the entire day so that he can talk to every single person who walks through that door. Not just his teammates but the trainers and the equipment managers and the coaches. People trickle in and out; some leave quickly, filled with anger and disappointment that the lockout is actually happening. Others linger, trying to make light of the situation.

Sid is happy for the boys who get to play for Wilkes-Barre—happy that they don’t have to leave Pennsylvania to play hockey.

He’s happy for the boys who are going to use the lockout to spend time with their families. Some will stay in Pittsburgh for their kids to go to school but others, those with younger kids, with no kids, are using the opportunity to spend time in their hometowns.

He’s happy for the boys going to Europe. There are only three of them, but they get to play pro hockey. Sid doesn’t get to play pro hockey.

The room has been quiet and empty for what feels like hours, but it’s probably been twenty minutes when Sid sits down in his stall. The lockout is all that’s been going through his head for weeks but that doesn’t stop the thoughts from flowing whenever there’s nothing else going on.

In his hand beats his own heart, radiating sadness.

“Think too hard, bad for head.”

It’s a voice Sid could place anywhere, and it only makes the sadness of his heart stronger to know that Geno is one of the three heading to Europe.

“I don’t think things can get any worse for my head.”

“Is jinx.”

“I’m already jinxed. 22 games last season. Might not get to play at all this season.”

Geno sits down beside Sid, his eyes drifting to the slowly beating heart. For a brief moment, it feels like Geno might reach out to touch it. But his hand settles on Sid’s thigh. “Can come to Magnitogorsk.”

For Sid to say he hasn’t thought of it—at length—would be a lie. He spent the entire off season leading up to the lockout lying awake at night weighing the pros and cons of leaving.

“I have to stay and negotiate,” he says tiredly.

They both lift their heads as Tanner Glass walks into the room. He’s going to Slovakia.

“Toews stay. Lundqvist stay. Half league stay. Sid not have to do everything.”

Sid rolls his heart in his hands, his fingers tracing the bumps and ridges. Geno squeezes Sid’s thigh, knowing what’s coming next.

“I have to, G.”

“I’m know. Worth try.”

* * *

The hotel room in New York is a mess. Sid has turned it upside down three times over, trying his hardest to find something he only realized was missing twenty-four hours ago.

“Is it with you?”

“Hi Sid. I’m good, thank you. How are you?” Taylor asks and if Sid wasn’t pacing back and forth in the hotel room he might have cottoned on to her making fun of him. As it was, though, focusing on anything that wasn’t his heart was near impossible.

“Sorry. Hi,” Sid says, flustered and caught off guard. He immediately picks up again, “My heart’s gone and it’s not in Cole Harbour.”

Taylor scoffs, “I would have, like, at least texted you if it was with me.”

“There’s nowhere else it could be!”

“Pittsburgh? What if it’s just chilling in the locker room waiting for you to get back?”

Sid hesitates, “Maybe. I hope not. I won’t get it back.”

When Taylor speaks next, after a moment’s silence, her voice is soft and calming, “It feels safe, though?”

“Yeah.” Sid relaxes for the first time in twenty-four hours and takes a second to tune into his heart—wherever it is. “It feels like it’s at home.”

“Then don’t worry about it. It’s where it needs to be.”

The conversation continues after Sid takes a seat on his sofa, feeling calmer about the situation. They talk about Shattuck and the teachers that Sid also had when he was there. They talk about what Taylor dressed up as for Halloween and Sid is reminded that it’s already November and they’re still getting no closer to the lockout ending.

Trying to get the CBA sorted was enough stress in his life; he was not expecting a rogue heart to be added to his issues. The worst part is that he isn’t sure when it first disappeared. When he’s not been in meetings, he’s been eating or sleeping, so for someone who never pays too much attention to his heart at the best of times… It could have been missing for an entire week. Longer, potentially.

It’s gone missing before but it’s always in Cole Harbour.

* * *

A few more days pass—Sid has stopped tearing his hotel room apart but only because he’s forcing himself to sit on his hands. Or because Toews and Miller have started taking him out to dinner.

Sid’s phone rings just as he’s stepping through the door, letting it fall shut behind him as he scrambles to pull the phone from his pocket.

_‘Geno’_ flashes on the screen and, even though it’s the last thing Sid really needs, he’s happy to hear from him. Happy to hear from him without having to reach out.

“Have something of yours,” Geno says easily before Sid has even greeted him.

Sid frowns to himself, “Yeah?”

“Gonch find in my gear after practice.”

“What’d he find?” Sid asks, trying to think of anything noteworthy that he’s lost. He’s still got his necklace, he doesn’t seem to be missing any shirts so there’s only one…

“Heart.”

Sid’s brain freezes. It's just one word, it shouldn’t be hard to comprehend, but nothing makes sense in this moment. Who knows how long it was there before it was found—Sid only noticed a week ago that it had gone missing but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been missing since Geno left. He tries to imagine his heart nestled in Geno’s bag, waiting to be found. The feeling of it being safe, being at home, does not fade in the slightest.

It intensifies.

“Sid?”

“I don’t know why it’s there,” Sid says. Sid lies.

Geno’s answer is expected, and Sid is smiling before he’s even spoken. “I’m best.”

“Yeah, G.”

And Sid hates how soft his voice is, how much it must give away. He’s staring out into Manhattan, wishing he was in Cole Harbour or Pittsburgh. Or Magnitogorsk.

Anywhere but Manhattan.

“How long?”

Geno grunts, “Gonch find today.”

“I’m sorry,” he sighs. “I’ve been trying to call it back.”

“Is fine. Russia best. Like it here.” Geno pauses. “You like it here.”

Sid thinks about what he’s about to say, whether or not he wants to put it out into the world. It’s felt like too final a thought to voice but it’s nearly the end of November and there’s still no okay, so he inhales deeply, “If it’s not sorted soon, I’ll come to Magnitogorsk.”

There’s an eerie silence and Sid wants to take it back. Claw it back and make it so it never happened.

Until Geno speaks, “Can always come. Is always place for Sidney Crosby. When is soon?”

“Christmas. New Year? I don’t know, G. I just want it to be done.”

Geno’s voice is soft and it cuts through Sidney more than anything has in recent memory. “I keep heart safe until season start or you come here.”

He squeezes his eyes shut, willing tears to stay away and whispers, “Soon.”

* * *

Sid is sitting in his stall, watching his teammates walk back into the room, feeling whole for the first time in months. It hadn’t really set in that the lockout was over until he walked into the Iceoplex and saw everyone milling around, setting up as they usually would in September.

It’s January now, four months after the season ought to have started; four months since Sid has felt any sort of relief. Four and a half months since Sid has seen Geno in person.

It’s for that reason that Sid chokes when Geno walks in with a booming exclamation and his arms splayed. The room responds accordingly. It’s loud and a little obnoxious but Sid wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Everything softens when Geno looks at Sid. The sound in the room is muted, the air feels warmer and Sid’s body is screaming _home_ at him as if Geno has ever been anything more than a friend.

Geno wastes no more time and wraps his arms around Sid. Sid feels his heart snap back into place due to its proximity; it doesn’t feel a lot different than to when it was five and a half thousand miles away.

“Miss me?” Geno asks as the hug breaks.

Sid shrugs, playing into indifference. “Hardly.”

It’s a lie and, judging by the snorts in the room, everyone knows it. Geno sits down in the next stall, unperturbed. He reaches into his pocket and reveals Sid’s heart beating faster than Sid knows is normal.

“Kept it safe,” Geno promises, his eyes not leaving the heart as he offers it to Sid’s open palm.

“It felt safe,” Sid agrees as his fingers wrap around the muscle. “Thank you. I’m sorry. I don’t know how it ended up with you.”

Geno’s smile is not as sincere as Sid is used to but it’s a smile nonetheless and Sid squeezes a little tighter so that the quickening beat isn’t obvious to anyone else. To Geno.

Geno’s hand comes into contact with Sid’s knee, squeezing once before putting his weight on it and using it to help him stand. Sid is left by himself in his stall so he puts his heart into his jacket pocket and prays that it will stay put while the team practices.

* * *

Dinner is steak and vegetables—nothing flashy but it’s a home cooked meal that Sid didn’t realise he’d been missing. He thinks that maybe the team should have done something _that _night, but not everyone is back in town and they really need to wait for a proper team meal.

The buzzer rings as he’s washing up, letting him know that someone is waiting at the bottom of his driveway. Sid groans at the dishes left in the sink but knows that nobody is visiting him after eight if it’s not important.

He hopes.

“Yeah?” he asks the intercom.

“Sid, is Geno.”

“Are you okay?” Sid asks instinctively, his toes gripping into the carpet.

“Yes, fine, can come in?”

Sid presses the buzzer and says, “Of course.”

Dishes get left in the sink, Sid forgets about them and chooses to stand right next to the door so that he can open it the second Geno gets close enough.

Geno has his hands in front of him, cradling something, and Sid worries that Geno’s brought him a puppy. Sid isn’t ready for a puppy. Sam is fine. Sam is good. Of course, Geno thinks that Sam needs a friend.

A bitter wind rushes through the house as he pulls the door open.

“You didn’t get me another pet,” Sid says. Geno laughs and holds his hands closer, hiding whatever is in them from sight so that Sid can’t see it as he steps through the door.

“Is not pet.”

Sid believes him—there’s no shit-eating grin behind Geno’s words—and follows Geno to the living room.

Geno turns around, his hands open and extended and Sid’s heart drops into his stomach. Or, it would if it weren’t nestled in Geno’s large hands.

“Oh, G, I don’t… I can’t… It shouldn’t keep coming to you.” Sid reaches out for it, hoping to take it back and wondering if it’s possible to lock it away permanently.

Geno doesn’t let him take it. “You know why. I’m know why.”

“I’m so sorry.” Sid can’t look at Geno. He can’t really look at anything—his eyes move around various objects in the room but none of them make him feel any better. Any less scared.

“Why sorry?”

“I shouldn’t… G.”

“But what if I’m feel the same way?” Geno asks and Sid immediately looks at his face. Then immediately looks away.

He shakes his head, starts to pace a little, just a few steps back and forth. Geno is still cradling his heart and he wants it back. It won’t come. He’s screaming at it to return but it doesn’t even budge.

“You’ve just spent too much time with my heart,” he says eventually. Spits it out like venom, reaching for anything. “Now you think you love me.”

The wounded sound that comes out of Geno is the worst thing Sid has ever heard. Worse than hearing about the lockout. Worse than hearing about all the games he was going to miss due to his concussion.

“Hearts not work like that,” Geno counters, sad and defensive. “Can’t make love out of nowhere.”

“We don’t know that.”

“Yes, we do. Studies. Centuries of people.”

Sid knows that.

“You… really?” he asks hopelessly, staring at his heart and how gently Geno is holding it. Protecting it.

“I love you, Sid.”

The words hit Sid like a ton of bricks, even though he knew they were coming, but what hits him hardest is the intense glow of his heart. It’s brighter than it has ever been.

The words tumble out of Sid’s mouth, “I love you.”

Geno moves to hand Sid his heart back, but Sid puts his hands over it and pushes it back to Geno. He gets a million watt smile in return.

“You can keep mine, too.”

“Huh?”

“Mine here somewhere, can feel it,” Geno says casually, pulling one hand away to cover Sid’s and keep him close. “Been here for long time. Before summer, I’m think.”

“You didn’t _tell me_,” Sid whines.

“You not tell me, so we even.”

Sid opens his mouth to protest but isn’t able to speak because Geno leans down to kiss him—softly but firmly, pressing months of _I miss you_ into his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is appreciated!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @antoineroussel!


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